A Quick Recap...

Well, well, somebody decided to use Spanish to lure me in. Nice try...may work for other women, but not for me:

Message received on 08/19/12:

"Hola hermosa me gustaria saber mas de ti"

Translation: Hello beautiful, I would like to get to know more about you.

Nice try, no really. I am not being snarky here, but this is something that would definitely work very well with a lot of women. The reason why it doesn't work with me is because I am cold-hearted. Not to mention he doesn't say much on his profile, so I can't really gauge who he is.

Message received on 08/28/12:

"I would gladly join your crew and travel the etherways of time and space with you. Of course, I'm not very useful besides being an excellent conversationalist."

Why the hell does everyone want to join my crew? It's not an easy life! Didn't anybody see my last post and responses to the same question?

Never mind, join my crew, we're dangerous and not to mention, you may get lost in time on my journey.

WYPSAY

This one is just...special.

Profile viewed on 08/15/12:

"I'm an avid non writer. I absolutely love not writing things about myself. #########,###### ######### ###### ###==== ###=#=== ######## ####### ######### #=### ####==== #####=## ####### ########= #####====################## ######## ###### ####"

Here's his idea of a first date:

"Macaroni and cheeseburgers"

I have to use an image here:

Well if you're an avid non-writer, then why did you set up an online dating profile. Now I love macaroni and cheeseburgers as much as the next person, but I have no idea what you have planned with those two foods as part of a first date, nor do I even want to know for that matter.

Awesome Pt.3 and Things That Should Be On Your Profile

Well it's nice to know that being an airship captain is awesome:

Message received on 08/15/12:

"Hello :D After reading your profile I decided I think being an airship captain would be awesome. :D"

Good luck to you then good sir. It's not an easy life by any stretch of the imagination.

And now a message that clearly says "I am really nervous and therefore I am repeating myself.":

Message received on 08/15/12:

"Hi, 

My name is Mark, I’m 5’10” and grew up in Hawaii. I have a good sense of humor. I hope you like lots of fresh fruit…because I planted over 40 fruit trees at my house in the Acreage. For instance, I have 15 different varieties of mangos with names like Coconut Cream, Pineapple Pleasure, Pina Colada, etc. I selected mango varieties, so that my mango season can go from April until October. I have four avocado trees, a mixture of early, mid and late season avocados to have a long avocado season. My best friend’s name is Max, he is a yellow lab who loves people. 

I have a motorcycle and go fishing and scuba diving. I also enjoy relaxing at home watching a good movie or caring for my fruit trees. "

Ok, not really a bad start but all of this stuff is already on your profile, so why repeat it? I mean a simple "hello, how are you?" is a good enough way to go. Other than the fact he repeated everything that he said on his profile and sent his entire profile to me in a message, this guy seems  like a legit Stud, so he gets "Stud of the Week."

Items You Need To Survive On My Airship

This is actually a good question:
Message received on 08/11/12:

"What do I need to to to get onto your airship?"

Well here are a few things you will need in no particular order:

A gun
Parachute (hey you need one)

Cake 

Sturdy and good boots

Goggles (I travel in the desert sometimes)

A Camera (hey you need some good photos)

Identification

Condoms (well, you know, in case you decide to get intimate with someone on my ship)

Waste bin

Massage Oils 

I think that covers it.

The WTFuckery Continues With Leah

I really need to buy Miss Leah something because she always gives me some really wtf ones:
Messages recieved on 08/06/12 (this is a conversation between her and two different men, to which I will refer to as Tweedle Dumbass and Tweedle Dickpenis):

Tweedle Dumbass:
hi my names brandon i think your really pretty and i like your profile and what i read and i would like to get to know you better i hope to hear from u soon

Miss Leah
written about 9 hours ago:
you're super new it seems, no list of fetishes and stuff. I thought it was funny you have a picture of yourself vectored as spider man. I work at the place you got that from. I love that you have a little weiner dog, you should take a pic of you with it. anywho, your profile is super general so not sure what you're looking for here but you seem nice anyhow.

Tweedle Dumbass
new message
written about 7 hours ago:
so u work for comic factory cool and i do have a pic wit my dog i will upload it and i am looking for a gf and some sex fun
i like all kind fetishes ask me and i will tell u and i am realli nice guy if u want add me on fb i am on there more here my link
and i would love to be ur master and u my slave or any way u want it and i am into a lot of fetishes one i use to have was me a girl a wearing a adult diaper and fucking in them

Tweedle Dumbass
new message
written about 7 hours ago:
and i love thick girls and i would like to get to know u more so write back and add me on fb and i would rock ur world

Miss Leah
new message
written less than a minute ago:
haha, whoa! That took a turn I wasn't up for. That fetish is not my style at all and also I'm not really looking for just some "sex fun" which seems to be more of what you're looking for. Also I don't like to be thought of as a "species" if you say you love thick girls, it just pulls attention to weight and it's a turn off. I do wish you a lot of luck here honey child, you seem like a cool guy to hang out with.

Miss Leah's last response was better than I could have come up with, so let me give this a shot:

You know, classifying women or people in general as species is a HUGE turn off. This guy needs some serious help in how to talk to people and treat them as human beings with feelings, not as a separate species that roam in the wilderness. As for his fetishes, when you are on FetLife, people put what are their fetishes and what they are into and it is clear on her profile and in her message that she is not into the same things you are into so why say it all of a sudden when she didn't ask for it in the first place? If you want to find someone that is into that, then go on Jerry Springer or Craigslist. Your chances are much, MUCH, higher in those routes.

Here is one from Tweedle Dickpenis:

Tweedle Dickpenis:

hey

it's cool you like hot chip :D

it just occured to me recently that a "chip" is the name of a french fry in england so hot chip in turn is like "hot french fry"

let's chat sometime plx!

Miss Leah:
wow...that was a whole lot of A.D.D. in typed form...umm...not really sure if I want to be talking to you, are you like this all the time?

Tweedle Dickpenis:
i feel like i'm creative with the things i allow myself to think about. and no one can really predict what they will be-- most of the time, i don't even know until i'm broadcasting my thoughts into the world

i've been a huge fan of hot chip ever since their first album. they recently put out a new LP & did a remix of gorillaz that's to die for -- and only about 2 weeks ago did it occur to me that they could be referring to a different kind of chip, outside of a computer or other piece of electronic media used in the process of putting together their tunes. i got a bit excited when i saw that you liked them too

most people don't find talking with me uncomfortable at all. although, there are a very small minority of people that do. typically sensitive, insecure older women get a little freaked out by my light-hearted wit & brevity. i try to tone it down for those 1-off' types, but often by the time i become aware of what's going on, it's already too late. awesome pre-emptive meneuvering on your part -- i talk to a ton of different people at my job... there are these two separate older ladies (40's-50's) each time they're forced to talk to me, they look very much like they're going to break down & cry at any second

i don't like seeing them unhappy. if this is going to be you then it ought to be best never to talk again

there ya go

and he just sent me this to put on the end guess there's nothing left for me
to worry about now since the cat's out of the bag :)

Miss Leah:
thanks for the long response. I'm used to people being hyper just not through type like that on the first message. I understand your excitement about the Hot Chip thing, I get excited about silly things too, so totally get it. But I wanted to respond here that I'm a bit offended that you decided that if I'm not into your hyper type that I'm not deemed and "Old Woman" bad choice in words bud, just saying.

Tweedle Dickpenis:
LOL

i'll apologize. it was a bit harsh to suggest that never talking again could be the best thing for both of us - by the time i realized i wanted to bsckspace that last part i'd already sent it. obvs i dont think ur a crazy cooky old lady. it kind of burns that all our messages have ended on harsh bitter terms so far. i guess that's what my behaviour and choice of things to talk about inspires in some people. i'm looking forward to spending time alone in a dark and dimly lit corner of the earth to work on artwork, where i'll be inscrutible to the public eye and unscathed by any of our harsh exchanges. but that is then and this is now so... fuck, are you really that uncomfortable?

Miss Leah:

not really but you seem like a spaz, it's just what you come off as, regaurdless if you really are or not. I'm not uncomfortable, just wondering why you're throwing out the drama bomb and living in bipolar city.

Miss Leah, you really make it hard for me to rip into these guys, but here goes.

W...T...F? Wtf did I just read?! Good sir are you schizophrenic?! If so, please seek some serious medical attention right now! I have no idea what you were trying to tell Miss Leah! She is confused as all hell and I am too! What are you trying to tell me?! Did Jimmy fall down the well again?! Is Lassie in trouble?! Is Godzilla attacking?! If he is then this message does not help me or anyone! And then your drop all of your drama when no one was expecting it? I think you are the human equivalent of Lost!

 

Epic Fail Trolling From Deanna

Here is a submission from Deanna of Coconut Creek, FL:

Message received on 08/05/12:
"HI MY NAME IS EDDIE , IT WOULD BE A GREAT PLEASURE TO MEET YOU ,, I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR PROFILE ,,, WHAT A PRETTY CREATION OF GOD ,,, IF YOU LIKE SEND ME YOUR TELEPHONE SO WE CAN MEET CHAO"

Comma, comma, comma Chameleon:

I think the Comma Comma Chameleon wants to meet my friend Deanna. All he needs for this to happen is for her to send him her telephone through the mail and to politely remind him that she is not religious at all. She was created by Win/goddess, not god. Also for a 42 year old who lives in MIAMI ,,, TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK AND IT SPELLED 'CIAO'!" I cannot stress this enough. People do not like to be "holla'd" at when they are being approached by others.

WTF......

As the title implies, the first message is not as bad but that is not saying very much:
Messages received on 08/04/12:

"hey how are ya? im ray...you seem like you have an awesome personality....what are you up to this weekend?"

You started out great and then you asked me what I am up to this weekend. Classic case of jumping the gun here if I didn't say so myself and you are also coming off as someone who wants a one night stand. Nothing wrong with that, but when it says one someone's profile that they are looking for a serious relationship, you're contacting the wrong person.

But this one is a gem among gems. In fact I am hoping this guy was seriously trolling:
"Question :think its wrong to be out driving around cock out my boxers windows all down catching air lol =X ...."
I wouldn't know how to respond to this. First of all I don't have a penis. Second, I have never driven anywhere with my vulva out in the open catching air with all of the windows down. Third, why the fuck would you send anyone this message?! I hope you are trolling really. If this is your idea of a pick up line, then you sir deserve three picture that sum up this message perfectly and these are becoming overused at this point:

Awesome Pt. 2 and Bud of the Week

If you recall the Awesome post last week, one of those guys sent me another message. Let's just say it's hilariously bad:

Message received on 07/31/12:

"i wanna ride the airship. :p"


Well if you want to board my airship, you need the official clearance papers, make sure you have met OSHA standards and qualifications, qualified for the job you are enlisted for, make sure you do not have any other political ties and refrain from littering (it fucks up the engines).


Here is the Bud of the Week (I'll explain why he is a Bud and not a Stud):

Message received on 08/01/12:


"Hello! I saw your profile and wanted to talk, meet and get to know you, if like wise, respond back and i'll tell you about myself. For starters, what is your name? Can i have your number? I do like Sci-Fi myself. You sound like a very fun person to be around. If you're interested, looking forward to hearing from you."


At the risk of sounding like a commentator for ESPN, this guy started out great, but then got a little antsy with "can I have your number." The thing is, online dating is a little different from offline dating. A lot of people do not hand out their phone numbers unless they have been talking to the person for at least a month or two tops, mainly due to safety reasons and due to the possibility of the profile being fake. He was close to being the Stud of the week, but fell just a tiny bit short of it. But being a Bud is not bad either.


Also here is another hilariously bad profile:

Profile viewed on 08/01/12:

"WELL BOUT ME IS IM OUT GONIG FUN AND FUNNY TO BE WITH IM SINGLE LIKE YOU SEE I DONT PLAY NO GAME I KEEP IT REAL ALL DAY EVERY DAY IF U LIKE WHAT U SEE IF U DONT THEN KEEP IT MOVING IM PUERTO RICAN IM CALLIN FROM HIALEAH JUST MOVE DOWN HERE FROM OHIO BOUT WEEK AGO IM 25 YEAR OLD IM CLEAN


IM LOOKING FOR IS A REAL ASS FEMALE DAT KNOW WHAT SHE WANT AND KNOW WHAT SHE NEED SO IF DAT U U KNOW WHAT TO DO DALE IM OUT"


Oh God...dude, turn off the fucking caps lock, seriously. That will scare off a lot of women that you are trying to attract. Secondly, yeah, you keep it real all right, by lacking skills in proper punctuation, grammar and spelling. Seriously, English Teachers everywhere have never cried this hard since reading 50 Shades of Grey.