An How to Dating Guide Because Apparently People Do Not Know How To Start a Goddamn Conversation

Here's the thing: I don't like telling people how to live their lives and how to conduct themselves because that's their business and that's their right and space. I respect that. However, there are certain things that I will call people out on and that's especially true of dating. In light of a lot of the messages that I have recieved from a lot of prospective partners, I feel that they have no concept on how to talk to a potential partner, in the virtual world or in real life for that matter.

So here is this dating guide. I know it's focus is on fat women (I mean, in the dating world we are pretty much marginalized, it's even worse for fat women of color), but it applies to all men, transgendered, and women of shapes, colors and backgrounds. You would think this is common sense, but judging from a majority of the messages that I have posted on this blog and have recieved, I think I need to set things straight to help you lovely souls who venturing in this awkward dating world.  The bottom line here is, don't be an asshole.

This was originally posted on Adipose Activist by Amber Kosarick

"I’ve thankfully been in a relationship for over two years now – I say thankfully, because it’s tough out there (well, that and I’m very much in love with my boyfriend!)
The more I talk to my friends, the more I realize that men have no idea how to talk to fat girls.
So I figured I’d create a handy how-to list, which will hopefully be helpful to those ready to pop on out of the fat closet, or who already have but aren’t having much success.
This is written in a pretty heteronormative manner, which I apologize for, but the experiences I’m most familiar with are men trying to chase women here.
This is loosely based on my own experiences as well as the experiences and suggestions of many girls I’ve talked to. Do you have more suggestions? Feel free to comment!

1. DON’T mention her weight.

Mentioning this first because it’s SUPER important, and it’s the first thing guys tend to mess up on.
Look, as much as I’m a body positivity advocate, as much as I call myself fat, as much as I realize that attraction is important and some people are attracted to fat bodies (which is totally cool!) weight is just something you shouldn’t mention to anyone in a first conversation, fat or thin.
I’ve seen so many opening lines, especially on dating sites, along the lines of
‘You’re cute, I love bbws.’
‘I’m a chubby chaser.’
‘I’ve always been attracted to bigger girls.’
Here’s the thing. You don’t need to say any of that stuff.
Really.
It makes us feel like you’re talking to us JUST for our body. Especially on a dating site.
You don’t need to have the username ‘bbwlover2012′, you don’t need to talk in your profile about how you’re looking for a fat girl, or how you define yourself as a chubby chaser*.
You probably think that it’ll make fat girls more likely to contact you first, but honestly it’s hurting your cause more than anything.
It makes you sound like all you care about is our bodies, that’s the most important part to you.
Bad idea. So during a first conversation, again, you don’t have to qualify why you’re talking to her. You don’t have to state that you’re attracted to larger bodies.
Guess what? You talking to a fat girl, showing interest, says all we need to know, without words! You wouldn’t message a thin girl and say ‘I think you’re hot, I’m really attracted to skinny girls’, would you? (I hope not.)
I don’t want to speak for all fat chicks, but we’re looking for something pretty specific. Not someone who likes us because of our body, not someone who likes us in spite of our body. Just someone who likes us. All of us.
So if you see a fat chick you’re interested in, try to find some common ground and base conversation starters on that. You both love Lord of the Rings? Excellent! You’re both into the same band? Great! Look at that, you’ve found a conversation opening!
*(Note, saying things like ‘real women have curves’, ‘only dogs like bones’, ‘skinny girls are gross’ are horrible things to say. You are more than welcome to have your preferences, but putting down other body types or other people’s preferences is NOT okay. And it doesn’t win you any points.)

2. Fat girls are girls too.

It may seem silly to mention, but it actually is important. Fat girls aren’t magical, mystical creatures. There’s no special way you need to talk to them, no different procedure, here. I get that question from time to time. ‘How do I approach a fat girl?’ Just like ANY other girl!
We’re real people with real personalities and feelings. Just talk to us. We’ll appreciate it. Trust me. As fat girls, we spend a lot of our lives being treated differently–and it’s usually not in a good way.
We’re not looking for you to make up for it. We’re just looking for you to get it and not do more of the same!
As much as it may seem counterintuitive since I’m writing a whole post on how to date a fat girl, but a lot of this can be boiled down to this simple statement: date a fat girl the same way you’d date any other girl.

3. Don’t be offended if she’s suspicious.

Again, can’t speak for all fat girls, but lots of us have had a lot of bad experiences when it comes to dating. Men who’ll talk the good talk but won’t be seen with us in public, men who’ll have sex with us but make fun of fat girls to their friends, men who think we’re ‘desperate’ and ‘easy’ and just a quick lay.
That can be a real self-esteem killer for us, and it can make us gun shy. So we can tend to be a little leery when a guy professes interest. Don’t take it personally.
If you’ve managed to stick by rule number one, you might get a question like ‘So you don’t care that I’m fat?’ from a girl. This can be a tricky one to navigate.
Just try to assure her that you’re attracted to what’s on the inside and the outside!

4. Be humble.

This might sound harsh, but you have no idea how many men expect some kind of reward for being attracted to fat girls. Well, you don’t. Maybe it’s not socially ‘in’ right now, but the fact of the matter is, PLENTY of guys like fat girls.
Lots of them don’t want to admit it. Lots of them don’t tell anyone. But believe you me. If you don’t think there are guys out there who like fat girls, you are so wrong.
I understand that it can be hard, you’re afraid of your friends or your family ragging on you for dating fat girls. But if you think that’s bad, try being the fat girlfriend.
We get worried if your friends are going to judge us or snigger. We worry if your parents are going to tell you ‘you can do better.’
Any time you think it’s hard for you, remember it’s a lot harder for us.

5. Take her out in public.

I mentioned that most of us have had bad experiences, being the ‘secret’ lover, not ever getting to meet a guy’s friends, and it’s really quite painfully true. The fact that I have to add this piece of advice kind of makes me sad, but I feel it’s important.
A lot of times when a fat girl is out with a guy in public, people assume that they’re ‘just friends.’ There’s such a stigma out there that fat girls never get the guy.
Take her out to dinner, to the movies, walk around town. Hold her hand, put your arm around her. Looking couple-y doesn’t hurt!
If you’re scared of what people think? You don’t deserve to have a fat girlfriend.

6. Be aware that sizeism is completely real, and don’t invalidate her experiences.

There are lots of folks out there who hate fat people. The vitriol some people have for others based purely on body size can be quite frightening.
Understand that us ladies live in a culture where every magazine, every commercial, every ad is telling us that our bodies are wrong.
We are not represented in media except as comic relief or the ‘before’ picture in a diet ad. Different fat girls have different experiences, but we’ve all experienced a lifetime of discrimination.
Be sensitive to that. Chances are, she’ll have bad body image days. Chances are, there will be days when someone says something vicious and it’s hard for her to shake it off.
Be aware that there’s a whole system of oppression working against her, and it’s hard sometimes.

7. Talk about it.

‘Whoa there, hold on!,’ you’re saying. ‘Didn’t number one say NOT to talk about it?’ Well yeah. Not at first. But the truth is, fat is one of those defining features that can’t really be ignored. It’s not who a person is, but you can’t ignore it either.
Living in a fat bodies shapes many experiences for a person, and it’s important to understand and be sensitive to it.
Different girls are at different stages of comfort and acceptance of their bodies (and frankly, that goes for all girls of all shapes and sizes!) Understand that some things are a little tougher for us.
We can’t go into any old store in the mall and find an outfit. Sometimes booths aren’t the best ideas at a restaurant. There are probably things you haven’t thought about that she might be embarrassed about.
It’s important to communicate these things and make her feel that she has a safe space to express these feelings.

8. NO QUALIFIERS.

“You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!”
“You’re so confident for a bigger girl!”
No. No no no no.
If she calls herself fat, let her. If she wants to call herself chunky, or curvy, or voluptuous, let her.
It’s her body to call what she wants.
And if you’re going to compliment her, don’t do it in a backhanded way.
Acknowledge that she’s both fat AND beautiful. Fat AND confident. Fat AND stylish.
Fat isn’t a bad thing to be, and both of you need to realize that.
Your mileage may vary on any of these points, of course. All girls are different, all girls want slightly different things.
There’s never going to be a one-size-fits-all list, especially when talking about such a large group of people! (pun not intended, yikes!)
But overall it just comes down to being sensitive, perceptive, and attentive. Frankly, these are good values to have anyway!
Hope you’ve found this list helpful!"

 

A Special S.O.S!!

Normally I don post these sort of things, but this asshole deserves a special mention. He's a "pick-up artist" from the San Fran area and he's really fucking creepy. So for my peeps in San Fran, be on the look out and AVOID him at all costs:

http://jezebel.com/5980600/prominent-pick+up-artist-drives-a-rape-van-and-harasses-women-on-okcupid?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Again, I always redact names when I recieve messages, but this guy is a bag of dicks and deserves to be humiliated.

P.S. His van is offensive to Tupac Fans and to the victims of 9/11 in the fact that it is tacky, ugly and really, really stupid.

Some Nice Messages and A Chat Log From A Douchebag

Here we go:

Message received on 01/06/13:

"Cute smile."

Thanks. Actually that's a nice message. Though the screen name "lovesblackpuss" does raise a lot of red flags for me.

Message recieved on 01/09/13:

"I saw your profile and thought you seem excessively nifty (perhaps evident by the presence of this message). So, I wanted to invite you to view my profile and if you'd like message me back."

See, this is how its done. This is how you send a message to someone. It's okay to be creative, hell, saying "hello" is great too.

He gets "Stud of the Week." 

Just when I thought they finally learned some internet etiquette, I get this message from Julie, of Jupiter, FL:
Message received on 01/16/13:

Herpa-Derp: "so it says a guy can't possibly be kinkier than you...wanna bet?"

Julie: "Nope. It was an honest answer, not a challenge."

Herpa-Derp: "re-read your profile. i'd prob lose that bet anyway."

Okay, where do I begin with this douchey asshole: "so" in this case is with a capital "S," "re" with a capital "R," capital "I" when addressing yourself, "probably" needs to be spelled out in it's entirety. This guy needs a serious lesson in grammar. Not to mention he needs a serious kick in the balls. He obviously feels the need to slut shame Miss Julie, simply because he's not getting any action from any self-respecting woman with a brain cell. Really dude, that's how you say "hello" to someone? I shudder to think how you are going to address someone in the real world. I bet it goes something like this:

"Hi, I'm an insecure asshole who lives at home in my dark, creepy basement with my parents. I feel that I need to be kinkier than women, because I don't in women making their own choices and being human beings. I believe that they should subservient to me and bow down to my needs because I am a MAYUN!!!" 

Yeah, I'm sure that will help you get women, the kind that will be more than happy to kick you in the balls for being a sexist, slut-shaming douche.

Happy New Year: Here's a slew of goodies!

Happy New Year everyone and as always, the New Year is ripe with trolls:

Message received on 12/02/12:

"Eye Captain 

You seem like an interesting cat, though I am fairly certain you and I are interested in different lands and booty. 

It was a beautiful weekend for an airship ride, so I hope you got the Tesla up and running this weekend. 

Take care"

First and foremost it's "Aye" and also, I asked "how are you doing this fine weekend," you don't have to give me a goddamn Master's Thesis as to why you are not interested in me and don't assume that I am not interested in you. You just shot yourself in the foot, dumb ass and if you are not interested in communicating with me, either ignore it and move on, or respond kindly like "my weekend was lovely" and leave it at that.  

Message received on 12/04/12:

"I want to time travel with you. Where did you time travel too ? is that steam punk style"

Well I go to different time periods so catching up with me is quite difficult. Time travel can be part of steampunk but it's a main fixture in sci-fi.

Message Received on 12/10/12:

"Thanks for the laugh Capt. that shit is truly original. pick me up next time your heading to 5000BC!"

How about I pick you up in my airship and then kick you out and watch the dinosaurs enjoy eating your savory flesh, ok? Sounds like a date night to me.

Message received on 12/10/12:

"certainly I would love to buy you a drink.are they any spot for a chef on board.i could diffinetly do some special cooking.but anyway I want you to know that I really like you very much an I would like to get to know you better.i am here looking for that special one an I think it could be you.i love traveling an I think taking you on trips to the island would be fun.i am a island boy an I love a beautiful an fun person like you.leave me a line if your interested."

You know, a chef on the ship would be a fantastic idea now that I think about it...

Message received on 12/26/12:

"now that was funny thanks"

Once again:

Message received on 12/26/12:

"Ahoy, Captain! I really appreciate your profile. This isn't the kind of place I'd expect to find an interstellar explorer. I hope you find what you're looking for."

FINALLY!!!! Someone who appreciates my sense of humor and is willing to play along!

Message received on 01/03/13:

"You are so cute, so gorgeous, so sexy"

Um, okay was there anything else you wanted to add? A simple "hello" suffices. Look anytime someone sends you a message like this, they just want to get laid and that's fine if that's what you are looking for but not if you want a relationship, point blank. If they are saying "hello" that's different.

And I iz done!

Happy New Year Everyone!

WYPSAY...Halloween Edition

Welcome to the Halloween Edition of WYPSAY! Well they're scary either way but I found some really special ones.

Profiles viewed on 10/25/12:

"Must be able to laugh and hold a fun conversation!

With that said and adding in my sense of humor, please don't be offended if you receive a message from me inquiring:

1. Why you are lying down on a zebra colored throw rug.
2. Wondering why your profile says you are looking for a nice man or a serious relationship and you have your ta-ta's hanging out in a see-through dress while chicken fighting on top of two guys that did not make the cut for Jersey shore.
3. Why your computer doesn't have spell check.

I am easy going Italian guy that loves to do things outdoors! I was born and raised in Orange County. I love to go to the beach, read, watch an awesome sunset, cook (mostly Italian) and be with my friends and family.....my family and friends are very important to me. I'm open-minded and speak my mind when needed....I don't like to argue or debate about topics for hours....you have your opinion and I have mine and that's great :) I enjoy racing cars at various racetracks across the united states & love photography...I love going to baseball games, watching football, etc.. I also do not mind staying home on a weekend and just watch a movie, relax and enjoy each others company..

Personality is a big thing, don't be afraid to send me a message... I love a woman with confidence!

I want you to pick me up at my house in your car, and before I even get to your car door I want you to open it for me. I want you to pay for dinner and walk me home to my front door; also I want you to whistle the theme song to Top Gun for every room we walk into! 

ok ok just kidding... Lets start with coffee?"

Hmmm...he seems ok, except for this one part right here:

"Wondering why your profile says you are looking for a nice man or a serious relationship and you have your ta-ta's hanging out in a see-through dress while chicken fighting on top of two guys that did not make the cut for Jersey shore."

Slut shaming much? He had so much potential too...

"I work full time as a Flooring Estimator, I love my job as it really puts my brain to work as well as my skills. I have a basis of logic and analytics that I use when problem solving or when coming up with what I need to, and that method I use usually puts me in a spot in conversation playing the role of "Devil's Advocate" in conversations. I like to base what I know and follow off of facts - but when it comes to forming opinions on certain issues, I love enthralling myself in conversations with others to see their points and to figure out how they came to the conclusions that they come to in an effort to learn more than I currently do at this point and time. Knowledge is power, and the mind is a terrible thing to waste if you aren't feeding it information. 

I am the kind of guy who likes to be a gentlemen as often as possible, the kind that holds the door for you, who brings you a flower spontaneously... be sweet, romantic, and flirty. I have this "wall" that I have put up, I guess from being burned in the past - and it keeps me from being who I want to be in a relationship, but I'm hoping they come down for the right person. 

I work between 8-10 hours a day, and sometimes on Saturdays, so it's really hard to plan anything on a consistent basis, but there are some things that I find time to do. 

I am partial to red heads, BBW (big girls need lovin', too), and nerdy girls, as I am too a huge nerd. I am your stereotypical online gaming/magic the gathering playing dork who was one of the kids back in school who kept to himself and always got straight A's in school. 

The kind of music I like is mainly 90s music. I am a huge fan of the 90s alternative rock; Hootie and the Blowfish, old Green Day, Everclear, Oasis, Goo Goo Dolls, Smashing Pumpkins, and all of the one-hit wonders out there during that era. I was raised on classic rock; Pink Floyd, Grateful Dead, Zeppelin, etc. In today's music (since rock is dead), I mainly listen to *cringes* Top40 (that's all they play around here anymore), and when I am truly bored I listen to talk radio. 

I am at the point in my life where I do not want to give up everything I like to do that makes me happy for love - I have done that in the past and will not do it again... if a girl can't accept me for who I am, then so be it. I have a lot of goals in mind and I am going to go far in my life, and taking the right person with me would be an amazing thing. There is no reason why someone should have to sacrifice so much for one person. I have no problem with what you do, don't have a problem with mine. :) 

I eventually want to have my own business where I work from home - or at least really, really close to home. I love to make people laugh and to be happy, and anything I can do that would become a career would be ideal. I don't want to be filthy rich - but I would like to be to the point where I don't have to worry about money (like, not an issue whatsoever)."

This is all well and good, but I have a problem with this line:

"I am partial to red heads, BBW (big girls need lovin', too), and nerdy girls, as I am too a huge nerd."

Okay, having a preference in red heads is fine, having a preference in curvier and/or nerdy women is fine, but the way that you said "big girls need lovin' too" really pisses me off. Everyone needs love, not just big girls. That statement makes it sound like you are fetishisizing larger women as opposed to seeing them as human beings with feelings and complexities too.

So dude, I am sure you are nice guy, but fuck you for framing that statement in that way.

Bonus:

He sent me a message too:

Message receieved on 10/23/12:

"I think I've seen you fly by a few times. I know you secretly want me to come with you on your adventures. All you have to do is tell me, I wouldn't be afraid. 

Let me know where I email the resume to and I will have my people get in contact with your people. :)"

What if I don't want you to come with me? Have you thought that out? I don't even know you, how can you assume that I want you to come with me on my ship?

These guys really need to mind their p's and q's. They all seem like nice guys too, but they were slut shaming women and fetishsizing curvier women. Therefore, they lost a lot of points from me.
Happy Halloween Everybody!

And I Have Returned...For Now.

Well it has been a busy few months with the moving, art shows, elections, world domination and what not, so when I checked my messages, I received a lot of treats, so to speak.

Messages received on 09/30/12:

"Im a sucker for a cute steam punk captain :) Besides you look hot in goggles . My name's______ (name has been redacted) and I know a thing or two about fixing robots . What kind of music are you into ?"

Actually, this one isn't too bad. It certainly isn't as lewd, trolly, or creepy as some of the ones I have received so far.

Messages received on 10/17/12:

"Hey besutiful"

.............What the fuck does "besutiful" mean? No really, what does this word mean? Is it word from another language? You know what, let me look this shit up in the dictionary. Give me five minutes.

*Comes back five minutes later.

Ok, either this guy made up a new word or he spelled "beautiful" hilariously wrong. Dude, you have a spellchecker, please use it! It makes you look more intelligent and cohesive when you spell words correctly!

"U look so familiar"

That's all you're going to say? Okay, I guess...how would you like for me to respond to that because I get that from a lot of people. I'm out and about a lot so...I have no clue really. Um...thanks, I guess?

"Wow! You are very sexy and I would love to get to know you better. Please check out my profile and write back if interested. I am very generous."

Uh...what do you mean by "very generous?" I'm confused and scared at the same time. Your profile pic doesn't help either because you look really creepy and I mean rapey creepy. 

Message received on 10/19/12:

"Read away!.. hey you certified to carry that katana of yours..? Man you should come to dragoncon with me one of these days.. . What mission I must loot to meet you and what's your agenda? Love your profile"

Ok, let me answer a few things that this guy wrote in his ellipses filled paragraph. Yes I am qualified to carry my Katana. I will only go to DragonCon with friends, not with people I do not know, nor haven't met in real life (and even then, I would to see if we get along) and you're just going to have to work very hard to find me, just like all of the others because I am constantly on the go and traveling. I don't have any hidden agendas of any kind. I hope I have answered your questions thus far.

Man, they sure know how to woo me...

Some Things About TARDIS and Other Tidbits...

I do appreciate some good advice on getting a decent time traveling machine

Message received on 09/26/12:

"next time get a tardis...sligtly btr time travel lol"

Ok good point, but the TARDIS is also unpredictable and the Doctor has banned me from piloting the damn thing since I crashed it...so yeah there's that.

And now some WYPSAY:

Profiles viewed on 09/30/12:

"My Hobbies Include Females i Love Them No Discrimination on Shape Or Size Unless Your Really Really Distorted. I Play Call of Duty For You Gamers Out There. I Am A Taurus Kinda Quiet But Funny Person"

So you're saying that your hobby is women and that you're okay with them unless they are "distorted"? What is your definition of "distorted?" Please tell me I am dying to know the answer... oh and "females" is unacceptable, especially in the context that the word was used. Sorry this makes you sound like a misogynistic dick. 

"no reason to tell you this rite now just ask n i may jus tell ya everything before we even talk then we wouldnt have nutting to talk about uhwerhfwhu9uhgrfuhgrueihgruerhg9uher9uhggguuebvneuibvnurnb9ue"

Wow...this one is a trollolololololol!!!!

"If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect others to. Im considered an ***hole if I lie or if im too honest, you tell me which is worse.

Im a professional photographer for jersey shor"

Wow, how is this guy unattached? No really, I am sure a lot of women would love to date an asshole like you, who happens to be without a job now since Jersey Shore was cancelled. The sad part is...there are some women out there who would totally go out with this guy. This guy is a huge DUD!!!

My God...What Have We Done

Here is another edition of WYPSAY courtesy of Miss Leah:

Profile viewed on 09/08/10:

"Hi , i am an arab black muslim man , who joined the site less than year ago , i am a sub who loves to be raped by strap on (among other things ) by women specially white or jewish women , and i am not saying i hate the others , but i think there is something magical in white or jewish women specially if the white woman is a racist  . i will not write more my fingers already is hurt from writing ( i know i am a sissy lol ) if you wanna know more add/message me  . i think you should know i do not mind going on webcam on skype , coz i am such a slut . lol" 

l smell a trollololololol!!!!!!

Here is a message I  received on 09/10/12:

"I want to fuck your toes."

Ladies and Gentleman, here is an image of my reaction to this message:

I need a drink.

A Quick Recap...

Well, well, somebody decided to use Spanish to lure me in. Nice try...may work for other women, but not for me:

Message received on 08/19/12:

"Hola hermosa me gustaria saber mas de ti"

Translation: Hello beautiful, I would like to get to know more about you.

Nice try, no really. I am not being snarky here, but this is something that would definitely work very well with a lot of women. The reason why it doesn't work with me is because I am cold-hearted. Not to mention he doesn't say much on his profile, so I can't really gauge who he is.

Message received on 08/28/12:

"I would gladly join your crew and travel the etherways of time and space with you. Of course, I'm not very useful besides being an excellent conversationalist."

Why the hell does everyone want to join my crew? It's not an easy life! Didn't anybody see my last post and responses to the same question?

Never mind, join my crew, we're dangerous and not to mention, you may get lost in time on my journey.

WYPSAY

This one is just...special.

Profile viewed on 08/15/12:

"I'm an avid non writer. I absolutely love not writing things about myself. #########,###### ######### ###### ###==== ###=#=== ######## ####### ######### #=### ####==== #####=## ####### ########= #####====################## ######## ###### ####"

Here's his idea of a first date:

"Macaroni and cheeseburgers"

I have to use an image here:

Well if you're an avid non-writer, then why did you set up an online dating profile. Now I love macaroni and cheeseburgers as much as the next person, but I have no idea what you have planned with those two foods as part of a first date, nor do I even want to know for that matter.

Awesome Pt.3 and Things That Should Be On Your Profile

Well it's nice to know that being an airship captain is awesome:

Message received on 08/15/12:

"Hello :D After reading your profile I decided I think being an airship captain would be awesome. :D"

Good luck to you then good sir. It's not an easy life by any stretch of the imagination.

And now a message that clearly says "I am really nervous and therefore I am repeating myself.":

Message received on 08/15/12:

"Hi, 

My name is Mark, I’m 5’10” and grew up in Hawaii. I have a good sense of humor. I hope you like lots of fresh fruit…because I planted over 40 fruit trees at my house in the Acreage. For instance, I have 15 different varieties of mangos with names like Coconut Cream, Pineapple Pleasure, Pina Colada, etc. I selected mango varieties, so that my mango season can go from April until October. I have four avocado trees, a mixture of early, mid and late season avocados to have a long avocado season. My best friend’s name is Max, he is a yellow lab who loves people. 

I have a motorcycle and go fishing and scuba diving. I also enjoy relaxing at home watching a good movie or caring for my fruit trees. "

Ok, not really a bad start but all of this stuff is already on your profile, so why repeat it? I mean a simple "hello, how are you?" is a good enough way to go. Other than the fact he repeated everything that he said on his profile and sent his entire profile to me in a message, this guy seems  like a legit Stud, so he gets "Stud of the Week."

Items You Need To Survive On My Airship

This is actually a good question:
Message received on 08/11/12:

"What do I need to to to get onto your airship?"

Well here are a few things you will need in no particular order:

A gun
Parachute (hey you need one)

Cake 

Sturdy and good boots

Goggles (I travel in the desert sometimes)

A Camera (hey you need some good photos)

Identification

Condoms (well, you know, in case you decide to get intimate with someone on my ship)

Waste bin

Massage Oils 

I think that covers it.

The WTFuckery Continues With Leah

I really need to buy Miss Leah something because she always gives me some really wtf ones:
Messages recieved on 08/06/12 (this is a conversation between her and two different men, to which I will refer to as Tweedle Dumbass and Tweedle Dickpenis):

Tweedle Dumbass:
hi my names brandon i think your really pretty and i like your profile and what i read and i would like to get to know you better i hope to hear from u soon

Miss Leah
written about 9 hours ago:
you're super new it seems, no list of fetishes and stuff. I thought it was funny you have a picture of yourself vectored as spider man. I work at the place you got that from. I love that you have a little weiner dog, you should take a pic of you with it. anywho, your profile is super general so not sure what you're looking for here but you seem nice anyhow.

Tweedle Dumbass
new message
written about 7 hours ago:
so u work for comic factory cool and i do have a pic wit my dog i will upload it and i am looking for a gf and some sex fun
i like all kind fetishes ask me and i will tell u and i am realli nice guy if u want add me on fb i am on there more here my link
and i would love to be ur master and u my slave or any way u want it and i am into a lot of fetishes one i use to have was me a girl a wearing a adult diaper and fucking in them

Tweedle Dumbass
new message
written about 7 hours ago:
and i love thick girls and i would like to get to know u more so write back and add me on fb and i would rock ur world

Miss Leah
new message
written less than a minute ago:
haha, whoa! That took a turn I wasn't up for. That fetish is not my style at all and also I'm not really looking for just some "sex fun" which seems to be more of what you're looking for. Also I don't like to be thought of as a "species" if you say you love thick girls, it just pulls attention to weight and it's a turn off. I do wish you a lot of luck here honey child, you seem like a cool guy to hang out with.

Miss Leah's last response was better than I could have come up with, so let me give this a shot:

You know, classifying women or people in general as species is a HUGE turn off. This guy needs some serious help in how to talk to people and treat them as human beings with feelings, not as a separate species that roam in the wilderness. As for his fetishes, when you are on FetLife, people put what are their fetishes and what they are into and it is clear on her profile and in her message that she is not into the same things you are into so why say it all of a sudden when she didn't ask for it in the first place? If you want to find someone that is into that, then go on Jerry Springer or Craigslist. Your chances are much, MUCH, higher in those routes.

Here is one from Tweedle Dickpenis:

Tweedle Dickpenis:

hey

it's cool you like hot chip :D

it just occured to me recently that a "chip" is the name of a french fry in england so hot chip in turn is like "hot french fry"

let's chat sometime plx!

Miss Leah:
wow...that was a whole lot of A.D.D. in typed form...umm...not really sure if I want to be talking to you, are you like this all the time?

Tweedle Dickpenis:
i feel like i'm creative with the things i allow myself to think about. and no one can really predict what they will be-- most of the time, i don't even know until i'm broadcasting my thoughts into the world

i've been a huge fan of hot chip ever since their first album. they recently put out a new LP & did a remix of gorillaz that's to die for -- and only about 2 weeks ago did it occur to me that they could be referring to a different kind of chip, outside of a computer or other piece of electronic media used in the process of putting together their tunes. i got a bit excited when i saw that you liked them too

most people don't find talking with me uncomfortable at all. although, there are a very small minority of people that do. typically sensitive, insecure older women get a little freaked out by my light-hearted wit & brevity. i try to tone it down for those 1-off' types, but often by the time i become aware of what's going on, it's already too late. awesome pre-emptive meneuvering on your part -- i talk to a ton of different people at my job... there are these two separate older ladies (40's-50's) each time they're forced to talk to me, they look very much like they're going to break down & cry at any second

i don't like seeing them unhappy. if this is going to be you then it ought to be best never to talk again

there ya go

and he just sent me this to put on the end guess there's nothing left for me
to worry about now since the cat's out of the bag :)

Miss Leah:
thanks for the long response. I'm used to people being hyper just not through type like that on the first message. I understand your excitement about the Hot Chip thing, I get excited about silly things too, so totally get it. But I wanted to respond here that I'm a bit offended that you decided that if I'm not into your hyper type that I'm not deemed and "Old Woman" bad choice in words bud, just saying.

Tweedle Dickpenis:
LOL

i'll apologize. it was a bit harsh to suggest that never talking again could be the best thing for both of us - by the time i realized i wanted to bsckspace that last part i'd already sent it. obvs i dont think ur a crazy cooky old lady. it kind of burns that all our messages have ended on harsh bitter terms so far. i guess that's what my behaviour and choice of things to talk about inspires in some people. i'm looking forward to spending time alone in a dark and dimly lit corner of the earth to work on artwork, where i'll be inscrutible to the public eye and unscathed by any of our harsh exchanges. but that is then and this is now so... fuck, are you really that uncomfortable?

Miss Leah:

not really but you seem like a spaz, it's just what you come off as, regaurdless if you really are or not. I'm not uncomfortable, just wondering why you're throwing out the drama bomb and living in bipolar city.

Miss Leah, you really make it hard for me to rip into these guys, but here goes.

W...T...F? Wtf did I just read?! Good sir are you schizophrenic?! If so, please seek some serious medical attention right now! I have no idea what you were trying to tell Miss Leah! She is confused as all hell and I am too! What are you trying to tell me?! Did Jimmy fall down the well again?! Is Lassie in trouble?! Is Godzilla attacking?! If he is then this message does not help me or anyone! And then your drop all of your drama when no one was expecting it? I think you are the human equivalent of Lost!

 

Epic Fail Trolling From Deanna

Here is a submission from Deanna of Coconut Creek, FL:

Message received on 08/05/12:
"HI MY NAME IS EDDIE , IT WOULD BE A GREAT PLEASURE TO MEET YOU ,, I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR PROFILE ,,, WHAT A PRETTY CREATION OF GOD ,,, IF YOU LIKE SEND ME YOUR TELEPHONE SO WE CAN MEET CHAO"

Comma, comma, comma Chameleon:

I think the Comma Comma Chameleon wants to meet my friend Deanna. All he needs for this to happen is for her to send him her telephone through the mail and to politely remind him that she is not religious at all. She was created by Win/goddess, not god. Also for a 42 year old who lives in MIAMI ,,, TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK AND IT SPELLED 'CIAO'!" I cannot stress this enough. People do not like to be "holla'd" at when they are being approached by others.

WTF......

As the title implies, the first message is not as bad but that is not saying very much:
Messages received on 08/04/12:

"hey how are ya? im ray...you seem like you have an awesome personality....what are you up to this weekend?"

You started out great and then you asked me what I am up to this weekend. Classic case of jumping the gun here if I didn't say so myself and you are also coming off as someone who wants a one night stand. Nothing wrong with that, but when it says one someone's profile that they are looking for a serious relationship, you're contacting the wrong person.

But this one is a gem among gems. In fact I am hoping this guy was seriously trolling:
"Question :think its wrong to be out driving around cock out my boxers windows all down catching air lol =X ...."
I wouldn't know how to respond to this. First of all I don't have a penis. Second, I have never driven anywhere with my vulva out in the open catching air with all of the windows down. Third, why the fuck would you send anyone this message?! I hope you are trolling really. If this is your idea of a pick up line, then you sir deserve three picture that sum up this message perfectly and these are becoming overused at this point:

Awesome Pt. 2 and Bud of the Week

If you recall the Awesome post last week, one of those guys sent me another message. Let's just say it's hilariously bad:

Message received on 07/31/12:

"i wanna ride the airship. :p"


Well if you want to board my airship, you need the official clearance papers, make sure you have met OSHA standards and qualifications, qualified for the job you are enlisted for, make sure you do not have any other political ties and refrain from littering (it fucks up the engines).


Here is the Bud of the Week (I'll explain why he is a Bud and not a Stud):

Message received on 08/01/12:


"Hello! I saw your profile and wanted to talk, meet and get to know you, if like wise, respond back and i'll tell you about myself. For starters, what is your name? Can i have your number? I do like Sci-Fi myself. You sound like a very fun person to be around. If you're interested, looking forward to hearing from you."


At the risk of sounding like a commentator for ESPN, this guy started out great, but then got a little antsy with "can I have your number." The thing is, online dating is a little different from offline dating. A lot of people do not hand out their phone numbers unless they have been talking to the person for at least a month or two tops, mainly due to safety reasons and due to the possibility of the profile being fake. He was close to being the Stud of the week, but fell just a tiny bit short of it. But being a Bud is not bad either.


Also here is another hilariously bad profile:

Profile viewed on 08/01/12:

"WELL BOUT ME IS IM OUT GONIG FUN AND FUNNY TO BE WITH IM SINGLE LIKE YOU SEE I DONT PLAY NO GAME I KEEP IT REAL ALL DAY EVERY DAY IF U LIKE WHAT U SEE IF U DONT THEN KEEP IT MOVING IM PUERTO RICAN IM CALLIN FROM HIALEAH JUST MOVE DOWN HERE FROM OHIO BOUT WEEK AGO IM 25 YEAR OLD IM CLEAN


IM LOOKING FOR IS A REAL ASS FEMALE DAT KNOW WHAT SHE WANT AND KNOW WHAT SHE NEED SO IF DAT U U KNOW WHAT TO DO DALE IM OUT"


Oh God...dude, turn off the fucking caps lock, seriously. That will scare off a lot of women that you are trying to attract. Secondly, yeah, you keep it real all right, by lacking skills in proper punctuation, grammar and spelling. Seriously, English Teachers everywhere have never cried this hard since reading 50 Shades of Grey.